It very recently dawned on me that I'm exactly where I want to be in my life right now, after all I am at the University I aspired to go to, studying a course I'm passionate about, and all the hard work seems to be finally paying off... So, why is it I don't feel happy?
This is something I never, ever talk about. To me, talking about my feelings to friends and family is a burden, and most of the time, scrap that, all of the time I bury them as deep as I can and try and ignore them... Let me tell you it doesn't work well. Deciding to write about it here for the first time is a bold move for me, especially as someone who tries to spread positivity and fit as many smiles into a day as possible.
Everyone finds themselves in situations and times in their lives when they just don't feel like themselves, and this is mine. What should be the best time of my life is turning into something I want to escape, and I can't remember the last day I felt truly happy. Nobody is 100% satisfied with their life, but there's a difference between not having everything you want, and feeling like there's nothing going for you anymore. This is by no means a sympathy plea, but rather admitting that although I put on a brave face and act like I don't gave a care in the world, I really do, more than anyone could ever know.
The last few months have been the best and worst in my life. Moving away from home was a decision I thought long and hard about, and although it didn't quite work out as well as I'd hoped, it taught me to make the best of bad situations. Sitting in my room alone every night reinforces just how lonely I feel, despite living in a student village with near 2000 people, I've never felt more isolated.
I have some great friends, amazing in fact, but I can't help but feel second best to everyone. Maybe it's me being paranoid, who knows. There's always going to be someone who comes in front of me every time, and it sucks to feel like maybe some of your friends are more 'friends of convenience' than anything else. This isn't always the case though, and there definitely are a select few who I would call genuine best friends.
During my transition from Sixth Form to Uni, I grew apart from two of my three best friends. I know that friends come and go, but it's never a nice feeling to know the people who were always there for you aren't anymore, especially when you never thought they'd leave...
Classic Chloe also did that same stupid thing she always does by falling for a guy who didn't feel the same, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's been hard... It still is.
But, and this is a big but, there are so so many aspects of my life I would never change, I have an overall great life, and I have a good feeling about what's coming next...
I've finally realised that I really don't help myself, I dwell on things and overthink far too much for my own good. Happiness is a choice, and one that I haven't been making for quite some time. If there's something I'm unhappy with in my life, I have every power to change it, and I'm going to start doing exactly that.
As I said before, I try my very hardest to act as though there's nothing wrong, but it's not healthy and is something I've been doing for the majority of my life. I need to start being honest with myself.
Happiness is a choice, and I'm choosing it.
This is something I never, ever talk about. To me, talking about my feelings to friends and family is a burden, and most of the time, scrap that, all of the time I bury them as deep as I can and try and ignore them... Let me tell you it doesn't work well. Deciding to write about it here for the first time is a bold move for me, especially as someone who tries to spread positivity and fit as many smiles into a day as possible.
Everyone finds themselves in situations and times in their lives when they just don't feel like themselves, and this is mine. What should be the best time of my life is turning into something I want to escape, and I can't remember the last day I felt truly happy. Nobody is 100% satisfied with their life, but there's a difference between not having everything you want, and feeling like there's nothing going for you anymore. This is by no means a sympathy plea, but rather admitting that although I put on a brave face and act like I don't gave a care in the world, I really do, more than anyone could ever know.
The last few months have been the best and worst in my life. Moving away from home was a decision I thought long and hard about, and although it didn't quite work out as well as I'd hoped, it taught me to make the best of bad situations. Sitting in my room alone every night reinforces just how lonely I feel, despite living in a student village with near 2000 people, I've never felt more isolated.
I have some great friends, amazing in fact, but I can't help but feel second best to everyone. Maybe it's me being paranoid, who knows. There's always going to be someone who comes in front of me every time, and it sucks to feel like maybe some of your friends are more 'friends of convenience' than anything else. This isn't always the case though, and there definitely are a select few who I would call genuine best friends.
During my transition from Sixth Form to Uni, I grew apart from two of my three best friends. I know that friends come and go, but it's never a nice feeling to know the people who were always there for you aren't anymore, especially when you never thought they'd leave...
Classic Chloe also did that same stupid thing she always does by falling for a guy who didn't feel the same, and as much as I hate to admit it, it's been hard... It still is.
But, and this is a big but, there are so so many aspects of my life I would never change, I have an overall great life, and I have a good feeling about what's coming next...
I've finally realised that I really don't help myself, I dwell on things and overthink far too much for my own good. Happiness is a choice, and one that I haven't been making for quite some time. If there's something I'm unhappy with in my life, I have every power to change it, and I'm going to start doing exactly that.
As I said before, I try my very hardest to act as though there's nothing wrong, but it's not healthy and is something I've been doing for the majority of my life. I need to start being honest with myself.
Happiness is a choice, and I'm choosing it.
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